Me

I want to tell you about the girl I dreamed of becoming when I was young. From an early age I strove to obtain the illusive beast that is perfection. I wanted to be the best at everything I did, I counted my A's, I kept a scrapbook of competitions won--never enjoying them for what they were, but rather for where they would lead, I dreamed of schools like Harvard or Princeton. I was going to be a lawyer, a doctor...I was going to be someone really important...I was never going to stop "winning". I was going to get everything I wanted...and never question why I wanted it.

Let me tell you about the woman I am scared to let myself become. She wants to jump without always looking, trusting in the unseen. She wants to spend her life giving to others, not caring what risk is involved. She wants to get on a plane to Rwanda, Cambodia--anywhere there are people who need something she has to give, until she has nothing left to give. She wants to trust in her heart.

And here I stand in the middle of two worlds, understanding there are things more important than what I thought as a child but not quite ready to move so far from the person I thought I would become. It is amazing when you see the world in a new way and it is scary at the same time when you realize you are the one who decides what to do with that vision. So the question becomes....what is important? What will I let go of next? Because I think you have to let go. Whether that's letting go of fears, preconceived notions you have of who you are, or of trying to become what others see you as. As I have slowly done so over the past five years I have seen what life can become to me if I do and that is exciting....and that is scary.

Lyrics

"You are the light that's leading me to the place where I found peace again. You are the strength that keeps me walking. You are the hope that keeps me trusting. You are the light into my soul. You are my purpose, you're everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? You calm the storms and you give me breath. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You still my heart. And you take my breath away...."

"When you bleed just to know you're alive..."

"We are bruised and broken masterpieces, but we did not paint oursleves"

"I don't want to fall to pieces....I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you."

"Cause I'm trying to explain something's wrong, you just don't sound the same....why don't you go outside, kiss the rain, whenever you need me...."

"Driving away from the wreck of the day and I'm thinking about calling on Jesus, cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces..."

"Do you really know me at all? Would you take the time to catch me if I fall? Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me..."

Hmmm....gueess that's all for now....more favorites later :)

The Last Shade of Blue Before the Sun Disappears

In the beginning it always feels as if there are endless possibilities. We tell ourselves not to fall, that the ground will hurt if we hit it too hard. We tell ourselves to be smart, to think with our head not our heart. We tell ourselves not to care quite so much, that we never know what the other person is really thinking. But these are just words. The truth is somewhere in the back of our minds we know we are going to fall--we know we are going to crash. We know we will follow our hearts--no matter what our brain is telling us. We know we are going to let someone else in--we know chances are very good that when we do this, they will hurt us. But we don't care. This is what life is. This is what love is. This is what is worth the risk.

Then we hit the ground. Sometimes it's merely a slight stumble as we quickly regain our balance. Sometimes we hit it so hard the crash knocks the breath out of us and we wonder if we have the strength to get back up again. We look back and we wonder what we could have done differnetly. We analyze those small decisions...and we analyze the big ones. For a little while we blame ourselves. We are angry for letting someone else in. We are angry for giving control to someone else. We are angry for caring too much. And we miss the other person. We miss the last call of the night. We miss the feel of the only hand we ever thought belonged in ours. We miss the person who, for whatever length of time it was, made us feel like the best version of ourself. And then we remember the good times. We remember the way they made us smile. We remember the way they made us laugh. We remember the way we felt the first time they ever said our name.

We remember when our life felt like the last shade of blue we see before the sun disappears. We don't know what is going to happen as we stand on the verge of something new. We don't know if there will be light at the end of the journey or if we will be lost in fog or overwhelmed by the darkest low of life. But we cannot tear ourselves away from the possibilities.

Thanks for the journey....I really had a great time. I have only good thoughts.

Three

Three screen names that you’ve had: carpediemgirl17, carpediemgirl20, shadowtolight

Three things you don’t like about yourself: Sometimes I don't stand up for myself when I should, sometimes I don't say what I really feel, that I can't defend myself against Shells.

Three parts of your heritage: Irish, German, Scandinavian

Three things that scare you: snakes, someone hurting someone I care about, my dad dying without committing his life to Christ.

Three of your everyday essentials: coffee in the morning, water before bed and Christ all the time.

Three things you are wearing right now: My favorite _____, my favorite jeans and a cross necklace.

Three of your current favorite songs: Everything to Me- Liz Phair, Sheryl Crow's new song they are overplaying and Everything by Lifehouse

Three things you want in a relationship: Trust, loyalty, respect.

Three things you can’t live without: family, friends, oxygen

Three places you want to go on vacation: Italy, Australia, Ireland

Three things you just can’t do: I can do anything :)

Three kids names: Aurora, James, Zach

Three things you want to do before you die: Fall madly in love, raise wonderful children, make a difference in the world.

Three celeb crushes: NA...sorry my crushes are not famous..yet ;)

Three of your favorite musicians: I don't wanna

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: Dark hair, dark eyes, strength.

Three non-physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: A great hugger, trustworthy, there when I need them

Three of your favorite hobbies: writing, tennis, biking

Three things you really want to do badly right now: hug Joey, go to sleep, eat pie.

Three careers you’re considering/you’ve considered: Writer, laywer, missionary

Three ways that you are stereotypically boy-like: I like to try to fix other peoples problems, I am willing to kill a spider with my bare hands if need be.

Three ways that you are stereotypically girl-like: I overthink every guy situation, I love to organize and clean, I love to cook :)

Three people that I would like to see post this meme: I'm totally the last to do this....excpet Beckster!

Tethered

So it has come to my attention that I freaked you out with my last post....sorry. I am just going to state for the record that I tend to write with all of the emotion I feel in a given moment, that is just the way I am. For those of you who truly know me, you know all the passion and emotions I feel come out in my writing, so please do not be concerned about anything I say when I write, you are getting the raw core of me, but don't forget their is the balanced, responsible side of me which remains firmly tethered to reality regardless of where my mind wanders.

So I have been sick for the past few days--big thanks to Shells for repaying my kindness in her hour of need with a horrible cold! I went to the doctor on Monday to make sure I did not have anything serious that would keep me out of work for long and an hour, a lecture and a face mask later I was on my way with two prescriptions in hand...one that would Know me out for long periods of time and the other only to fill if I felt worse in a few days (side bar, love my doctor but always have the oddest experiences there). I was a bit skeptical about taking the medicine that would help me sleep, but took it anyway, because well, I do what I'm told. Unfortunately there was an incident with the measuring spoon I used and I may have inadvertently taken a tad more that I should have evidenced by the fact that I could not move any part of my body an hour after taking the medicine no matter how hard I tried and I slept for about 13 hours straight...whoops. Back to normal now...well almost..the room still is spinning a bit and I can't always remember where I am...I wonder if this is what being drunk feels like...hahaha.

So I have decided I may not meet the man of my dreams on CL...hmmm...who would have guessed. I must admit I find myself a bit "gun shy" after the last psycho experience I had...perhaps Mr. Right just isn't in the cards right now, and as much as I joke about "Mr. Right Now" I know that is not something I can do. Sometimes I hate my stupid morals and principles...but that is another topic for another blog. I must admit I found Shells' thoughts on this topic pretty hilarious in her recent blog entry--who could have ever imagined I would take over the DP title in our house...not I...not in a million years.

I am tired now. Sometimes trying to be funny and light wears me out. I have been doing my best to suppress my serious side this evening...I hope I have fooled you. The next entry will be a tad more like the previous just because I need to get all these thoughts out of my head.

Thanks for reading,

Heidi

#4

I'm shaking a bit too hard to try to type right now, but I'm going to attempt in anyway. I use to have this theory that bad things happen in threes. Now I realize that is pretty irrational and has only worked because of the way I view bad and good things, ie. alot of how we view what is happening around us is based on the attitude and if we are already knocked down a lot of things can be just another blow. This theory was also blown completely out of the water approximately 6 minutes ago when I sat down at my computer and opened my e-mail and number 4 hit me square in the face. At least I hope this is number 4 and not just the beginning of second round of threes because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle anything else in this moment. I'm rambling now, I realize this. I just don't understand what God's plan is right now. I don't know what I am suppose to do. I feel like I'm in the middle of this large circle and just when it stops spinning long enough for me to get a good footing it starts moving again. I have all these weird pieces of a puzzle with a whole I can neither see nor understand. I feel like my character is repeadedly being tested. I feel like the harder I'm hit the firmer I stand in who I am--but what happens if my strength fails? What happens if I lose my grip for even one second? I wish I could tell you what #4 is.....but I can't. I can't tell anyone this time. I know there is something I need to see right now...I need to put the pieces together...I need to figure this out.

Discovering the Person God Created Me to Be

Today I went back to Westminster Chapel for only the second time since my break up with Phil over two and a half years ago. The other time had been with Shells two crowded Easters ago, where I felt strengthened by the presence of friendship and anonymous and safe blending in. Today as I walked in by myself I felt alone, exposed and scared--feelings not common to my church going life. As I sat in a pew on the end, close to an easy escape I wrote the phrase "I am scared" on my church bulletin a few times to try to calm my nerves. Somewhere deep inside I knew I needed to come back to Westminster, I knew there were questions left to answer, I knew there was pain left to heal. It is a place that had a profound impact on my walk with Christ and it was wrong to walk away from it so abruptly. It is not an easy thing to face our fears. It is not an easy thing to "own" our sins, knowing we are not the ones who paid for them.

Today's sermon was about being the person God created us to be. I have thought about that concept a lot in the past years, months, and weeks and to be honest sometimes it scares me. I know I am far from achieving the kind of life God created me for. It is so easy to settle for comfortable and not even dream of amazing. I am not trying hard enough. Even after this summer, even after seeing how unbelievable life can be when I give myself to God to do His work, I am not strong enough to let myself be weak. There is some part of me that has disconnected from God and I didn't even realize it was happening. After Guatemala I became so wrapped up in talking to God that I stopped listening...Maybe because there were things I was not ready to hear...Things I'm not sure I could have handled hearing.

Tomorrow I am going back to work and I know it is going to be a very difficult day. As much as I want to "turn the other cheek" I feel like someone cut me to the core and doesn't even care. I don't want to let people do that to me...I don't want to admit how much I care about what other people think about me, or how much power they have to hurt me even when I never let it show. I honestly don't know how I am going to do it. I can not stand being fake and I cannot be myself because it hurts too much. But I know that everything happens for a reason (sorry cliche) and I know that something really good is going to come out of this. I just have to be willing to start looking for the girl God created me to be.

Thanks for reading,

Heidi

I'm Not the Penguin this Time

Shells and I have been friends for a long time and throughout the course of our friendship we have taken turns being the "penguin". For those of you unfamiliar with this concept let me explain it in simple terms. I read in a book once (yes that does sound quite intellectual...until I confess it was "Mr. Popper's Penguins") that when penguins are hungry they will crowd around the edge of the ice and push and shove until one penguin is knocked into the water, if the penguin is not eaten then the rest will jump in. There have been several opportunities to "test the water" (gag horrible cliche pun) over the course of the past few years and I must admit Shells is a great shover (I will save the greatest "penguin story" ever for a later date...but let's just say I was almost "eaten" and shells did not jump in the water!) But this time she is the Penguin blogger and I have enjoyed reading hers so much I have been convinced it would be fun to start one of my own.

Yes you can thank her for unleashing my writing to this bizarre internet world.I'm not really sure where I will go with the whole blog thing or what part of myself I will display here...if you are a good friend you realize I have both a witty side and a serious side, although the latter usually is more predominant in my writing. I think for tonight I will just explain the title of my blog page for those of you who I have never had this conversation with. For a large portion of my life I lived by plans...do the best I can in school, go to college, fall in love, get married and things seemed to be on the right track until a few years ago. That was the first time I asked myself the question, what happens when life doesn't work out the way we thought it would? What happens if our forever doesn't work out...does tomorrow still exist? I have spent the past few years exploring the concept of "When Forever Never Comes" in my own life and I"m sure I will write about it at some point.

Okay, enough serious stuff for now, although I warn you philisophical heids is bond to come out frequently. My life is also filled with random idiotic moments...I'll be sure to tell you about the time I actually pushed a guy back with one hand while stretching out my other hand to shake his hand instead of hugging him after a date, or the time I tore the major ligament in my ankle standing on a curb....yes I am just that stupid.

Thanks for reading!

Heidi